


Sometimes shower thoughts aren’t all that funny (working title)

by Sockers



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28225203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sockers/pseuds/Sockers
Summary: Alex wakes up and her mental health isn’t great, but her wife is there to help.Tw/ frantic thoughts and self harm, mentions of blood and generally poor mental health. Please don’t read if this could be a potential trigger for you.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 1
Kudos: 52





	Sometimes shower thoughts aren’t all that funny (working title)

**Author's Note:**

> Tw/ frantic thoughts and self harm, mentions of blood and generally poor mental health. Please don’t read if this could be a potential trigger for you.

Alex was meant to be getting ready for work. She knew she was meant to be getting ready for work. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t. She’d woken up and she’d got as far as the ensuite, slipping into the warm shower that Maggie had left running for the redhead when she had gone to the kitchen start on her breakfast and Alex’s coffee because on her low days Alex couldn't handle anything more than coffee first thing in the morning and even from their gentle good mornings when the alarm had first woken them, they had both known that it was going to be a bad day for Alex. Alex could tell from the haze she was in, the weight on her chest, the feeling of nothing and everything at the same time, the way it always felt. Maggie knew from the faraway look in Alex’s eyes as they had fluttered open that morning.

“Do you think you’re able to face the day?” Maggie had asked nothing but tenderness in her voice.

The redhead had replied with an ‘Of course’ and, after pressing a soft kiss to Alex’s forehead, Maggie slipped out of the bed to shower and get ready for the day.

Even through the stream of the shower, the water hitting the tiles around her, Alex could hear the coffee maker and the laughter of her wife as she listened to a podcast – Maggie’s laughter was warm and loving and safe and home and Alex found herself thinking that it was good that she was taking so long to get ready because if she had been down in the kitchen with Maggie she would have had to have faked a smile and she knew that she wouldn't have been able to do that. And that if she had been, Maggie would have seen straight through it.

Despite the water being scalding because Alex had turned the temperature up and then up some more in attempt to feel something, she couldn't feel anything and she needed to feel. She needed to cut through the haze. She needed to feel something other than the weight on her chest. She would have punched the shower door but she didn’t want to buy another one when it smashed. Again. Her eyes landed on the razor at the side of the bath and considered it. She almost missed the sting of it. But she couldn’t do that to Maggie. Again. Couldn’t watch Maggie fall apart when she inevitably spotted the injuries.

She didn’t even realise she was digging her nails into her palms until she went to grab a towel and spotted the blood running down both wrists. 

Alex washed the as much of the blood away as she could but the cuts on her hands wouldn’t stem properly. She pulled a towel from the heater, pulling the material around her as she stepped out of the shower, automatically crouching down to the cupboard beneath the sink to where the first aid kit hid.

She pulled the bandages out, wrapping her hands without thinking about it. Once her hands were wrapped she wrung her hair tightly over the sink, hard enough for her scalp to ache even after she had released her hair while she tugged a sodden elastic from around her wrist, pulling her hair into a severe bun, now that it was long enough to do so.

Alex got into the bedroom and stood in front of the wardrobe, looking at the clothes, just staring at the section of their wardrobe dedicated to what she wore to work. She glared at the clothes as if it was their fault that her mind was crushing her before reaching in and pulling out Maggie’s giant National City College hoodie, pulling it on over her head, pulling a pair of boy shorts on before dropping the damp towel onto the floor. It was only when she wiped the stray hair from her face that she realized that she was crying.

Alex moved to the bed, her feet slow and heavy and barely moving before she pulled the comforter up and threw herself beneath it, her face buried in the pillow as she let herself cry.

She wasn’t sure how long she was silently crying before she heard a knock of the door. She held her breath, an attempt to stop crying.

“Yeah?” She called out, not sure how awful her voice sounded, hoping she could blame it on the fact she was her face was hidden in a pillow.

“Alex?” Maggie called from the other side

Alex somehow managed to push herself further into the pillow.

At the lack of response from Alex, Maggie moved into the room quietly, her heart aching for her wife.

Maggie crawled into the bed beside the redhead, pulling the comforter away from Alex’s upper body slowly, making sure her body temperature stayed normal, knowing Alex had a tendency to allow herself to overheat, a way to punish herself, to hurt herself, to feel something.

Alex moved her head, facing away from Maggie though the brunette didn’t miss the sob Alex let out as she moved.

“Oh Alex” she sighed out, resting a hand on Alex’s back, rubbing slow circles, wanting nothing more than to pull Alex into a hug and hold her close but knowing that right now, right as Alex’s body shook as she silently gasped for air, right as Maggie’s chest felt like it was shattering from the inside out because she had spotted a bandage poking out of one of the sleeves Alex had pulled over her hands, she couldn’t because Alex would start feeling like she’s suffocating, that she doesn’t deserve to be held, to be pieced back together.

Maggie wasn’t sure how long she’d been lying beside her wife by the time their emergency 8am alarm for the days when the two of them hadn’t fallen out of bed with their 6:30 one that Maggie still swore was way too early despite waking with it every day for the last three years blared through the room, the radio filling the air, drowning out Alex’s gasps for air. Once Maggie was certain that Alex wasn’t going to move, she sat up to lean over the redhead and turn it off.

“L-leave it on. Please” Alex breathed out, her voice raw and shaking.

Maggie nodded despite the fact that she knew that Alex couldn’t see her, she leant over and pressed the clock, making sure the radio was on but the alarm was off, before she lay back beside Alex, her hand moving to rest on Alex’s back, rubbing slow circles once more.

The sun was high and beating through the window by the time the air was broken by something other than the music.

“I- I’m sorry” Alex choked out, suddenly sobbing, really, truly sobbing.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Al”

Alex’s entire body shook as she tried to pull a breath in.

“Alex” Maggie cooed softly, wrapping her arms around Alex’s body, pulling her close, unable to stand her wife in this much pain. “Is this okay?” She asked, making sure that Alex wasn’t feeling panicked, feeling suffocated.

At Alex’s nod Maggie pressed a butterfly kiss to the nape of the redhead’s neck, keeping a secure hold on the redhead as she wept, pressing kisses on her neck every now and again, whispering ‘I’m here’ and ‘You’re safe’ between Alex’s gasps until eventually Alex fell silent; still awake but no longer crying.

Maggie only loosened her hold when Alex rolled over in her arms from her stomach to her back, kicking what was left of the comforter off in the process, throwing an arm over her eyes at the harsh sunlight, the sleeve of her hoodie riding up and exposing the bandage on her hand in its entirety.

“What happened?” Maggie enquired, her voice gentle, void of judgement as she brought one of her hands from Alex’s waist to her hand, her thumb tracing the edge of the obviously rushed bandage on Alex’s hand, the ache in her chest growing deeper when Alex lifted both hands in front of her own face, looking at her hands for the first time since she wrapped them, taking in the specks of blood that had seeped through the material.

Alex’s brow creased, her mouth opening slightly before closing it as she looked for an answer.

Maggie breathed out slowly before taking one of Alex’s hands in her own and pressing gentle kisses to each knuckle, doing it again with Alex’s other hand. By the time Maggie had finished, tears were silently falling down the agents face again.

“Can I rewrap your hands please?” Maggie whispered.

Alex nodded, sitting up so that Maggie could move the arm that had been under Alex and sit up. Maggie pressed a kiss to Alex’s temple before sliding out of the bed and disappearing into the bathroom, returning swiftly with the first aid kit. Alex was still sitting up when Maggie returned, leaning against the headboard, her legs crossed beneath her, her eyes closed as she breathed in and out the way she’d been taught at yoga which still claimed to hate though she and Maggie both knew that was a lie.

Maggie sat in front of Alex, the already open first aid kit in her lap, her knees brushing against Alex’s.

She took Alex’s left hand in her own, gently unwrapping the bandage, turning Alex’s hand palm up, her eyes stinging slightly as she realized the cuts were caused by Alex’s own nails, that Alex managed to do this to herself, that Alex was so desperate to feel something – because she had long ago admitted to Maggie that this was because she needed the sting, the outlet – that she’d caused herself to bleed with her own nails.

Alex kept her eyes closed as Maggie silently, gently cleaned and wrapped her left hand, unable to watch herself being taken care of because she was a soldier goddamn – she was not meant to be being put back together because she shouldn’t be in pieces, she was not meant to be being taken care of because she was meant to be the one taking care of everyone, she was not meant to be saved because she was the one meant to be doing the saving.

Somedays, most days, when Alex came home and she’d had a rough day, she could handle it. She could handle being looked after, in fact, she loved it. She loved coming home and falling into Maggie’s arms and holding her close, knowing she was safe, that for a little while she was off duty, she was just Alex, she didn’t need to think as an operative, she could just think of her family and herself.

Maggie gently unwrapped the bandage on Alex’s right hand, wincing ever so slightly at the state of her palm, the cuts on this hand were deeper, surrounded by welts, angry and sore looking. She apologized quietly as she cleaned the cuts with antibact, feeling Alex’s hand tense within her own. Once both hands were clean and bandaged once more Maggie brought them up to her lips once more, placing barely-there kisses on top of them.

The brunette felt herself being watched, looking up and seeing Alex’s eyes, the storm within them. Maggie placed the first aid kit is the ground beside the bed and leant forward, pressing a soft kiss to alex’s forehead, to alex’s cheek, to her lips.

“It’s okay Al. I’m okay, and I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you’re okay too, and eventually you’ll feel okay. We’re okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you. You’re safe” Maggie said softly, her voice low as she kept eye contact with her wife, making sure every word was heard.

Maggie climbed back under the covers beside the redhead and pulled her close, letting out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding as she felt Alex’s head rest against her shoulder, sliding a bandaged hand against Maggie open palm. Maggie intertwined their fingers, making sure not to add any pressure to the wounds.

“You’re gonna be okay” Maggie whispered once more “you’re gonna get through this.”

Alex shrugged slowly

“I guess, it’s just hard. I hate it”

“I know babe, I’m not gonna pretend I know exactly what’s going on in your head, or exactly how you’re feeling, but I know it’s hard, and I know it’s shitty fighting your own thoughts, and I know it’s draining, and sometimes it feels like a never ending fight but you’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

“thank you”

“you never gotta thank me, Danvers - and before you argue that you do, cause you don’t; how about I call work - for both of us, and then we cosy up together for a while, and whenever you’re ready we go out to the kitchen together and make some coffee, and then we can curl up on the sofa, or come back here until lunch, and then we order in? That way neither of us has to do much of anything at all except be cosy together?”

Alex nodded and stayed against Maggie’s shoulder while the detective called in sick for the two of them. It hadn’t escaped her notice that Maggie had wanted to do everything including coffee together. She knew it was partly so that she wasn’t left alone with her thoughts, with herself, to hurt herself again, and partly because Maggie genuinely just wanted to stay cosied up. Whether it was more one reason or the other, Alex didn’t mind. She needed to be with her wife right now, she wanted to be with her wife right now. Even if her mind wasn’t being as awful as it had been, she’d take any and every stolen moment with her wife.

Alex didn’t realise she was as tired as she had been, as drained as she had been, until Maggie woke her a few hours later, saying her name softly between giving her soft forehead kisses.

“I would’ve let you sleep longer but I know you hate naps and also lunch just arrived,” the brunette said softly, her words laced with apology.

“No, no, it’s okay. You’re right, I’d be more annoyed with myself if I slept through more of the day” Alex admitted groggily as she pushed up against the headboard, sitting up.

Maggie smiled softly and pressed a kiss to her wife’s cheek.

“So, lunch in here or out in the living room or kitchen?”

“What is it?”

“That weird noodle place you like so badly. I figured you might eat a little if you had potstickers and teriyaki noodles in front fo you”

“You figured absolutely right” Alex answered with a smile smile “and the living room I think. I don’t quite think I can eat those noodles without spilling sauce and these bedsheets are still new”

Half hour later and Alex had eaten the carton of noodles Maggie had placed on the coffee table in front of them, as well as most of her potstickers and the two women had curled up together on the sofa with their stomachs full and feeling safe wrapped around one another.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Better. Not perfect, but better this morning. I’m sorry about this morning and putting you-“

“Danvers if you finish that sentence I’m going to tickle you. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“You wouldn’t!” Alex faux exclaimed, a smile on her face and a glint in her eyes before her face fell somber once again “I still am though, sorry, I mean”

“Babe, you never need to apologise for not feeling well”

“I’m still going to”

“I know. But you never have to.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


End file.
